Reflections

I have written and deleted this twice now, so hopefully I won’t have to do it again. I just have no idea where to go with this. But it is a commitment that I intend to keep.

I think I have grown over the past year. I have not reached all of the goals that I have set for myself, and that’s okay. I am finally at a point with my ankle that I have accepted the limitation, have begun to train smarter (most of the time), and now just work around it, as I have learned to with my ribs.

Christmas was quiet this year, and I appreciate the extra couple of days off that I took. It was something I desperately needed without truly realizing it. I watched my girls open their gifts, and I witnessed something special. There is nothing like Christmas through a child’s eyes. It is full of wonder, and amazement, as well as innocent belief.

As they opened their gifts, they stopped long enough to appreciate them, and get completely excited before they would move on to the next. They were in awe that Santa ate the cookies, drank the milk, took the reindeer food, and even left a short note of thanks.

And of course I treasure the gifts they gave me, as they were homemade, from the heart, and the excitement of giving made it so special. That is Christmas for me.

I am thankful for the gifts of my girls, and my family. I am fortunate to have them, and to be able to celebrate this holiday without any fear of consequences. Living in Canada allows me many freedoms, that I often take for granted. I try to keep it in front of me at all times, but sometimes it is easy to forget.

I am also thankful for my Kung Fu family, and the support of that community. It has been, and will continue to be my safe place to be.

Peace to all.

Loyalty

Kwan Kung is traditionally known as a red faced warrior, with a long beard and is known to wear a green robe. His weapon was a Kwan Do, which was named Green Dragon Crescent Blade.

Out of the three Generals, Kwan Kung (also known as Guan Yu) was known for his loyalty. Along with Zhang Fei, he served under warlord Lei Bui during the Eastern Han Dynasty. The three, Lei Bui, Kwan Kung and Zhang Fei considered each other brothers, and thus went everywhere together. Kwan Kung, after being separated from his brothers, spent many years trying to find them, and eventually reunited with them, all the while, serving and being loyal to whichever warlord he was under at the time.

Loyalty means to be faithful to someone, or a cause, or to beliefs. One can look at it as having unwavering support and not influenced by external forces.

To whom are we loyal to? Two sisters, who might be at odds at least once a day, will stand together, loyal in the face of adversity. Any meaningful relationship, will hopefully also stand together, loyal, during times of happiness and trials.

Loyalty should also be shown to the Martial Art to which you have trained. Your instructors dedicate their time and passion to passing on their knowledge to the student, and so loyalty dictates the same dedication and passion from the student. Our knowledge gets passed down, generation by generation. By keeping our art as pure as we can, we ensure that egos do not dictate our loyalty. The purity of the art, keeps the passion alive, and keeps us humble to our roots.

As a kwoon, we make sacrifices for ourselves, and to our fellow students and instructors for the good of our community. That loyalty enables us to continue to train with each other, and to learn without prejudice. It is with respect to our Kung Fu and its rich history, that we are loyal. It is an honour to train in the art of Kung Fu, and I am grateful for the opportunity to learn Kung Fu, to teach it and pass on my knowledge.

The art of Kung Fu is versatile, and is a way of life. It isn’t simply kicking and punching. Kung Fu to me is empathy, compassion, self defense (physical, mental and environmental), hard work, passion, humble, and is in some way, a part of every moment in my life.

It didn’t start out that way. I began for self defense, and before I knew it, it had enveloped me, and I cannot picture my life without it. There is always something to learn from those around me, no matter the belt level. I learn everyday, and I am thankful for that opportunity. Loyalty is important in the martial arts - how else do you become so proficient that your body reacts without a thought?

Fragments

Some days I struggle to find something to write about, and other days, there are many things that would make a very long blog. And it’s funny that at this moment, I am struggling whereas two days ago I wondered how I could get it all down. I have no idea where to go today, but I skipped last week, so today is a must.

I have started doing daily pushups and situps, but due to illness this week, I am now behind. I also strained my ribs doing the pushups, so I also have to back off on those. And so it goes. My ankle is also sore again, but that is from the uneven ground of packed snow. Big sigh.

I have decided to add repetitions of Tai Chi into my daily routine. I love the way I feel doing it, and I think it is going to be really good for me mentally. I need to work in all my forms as well as some techniques.

On another note, I discovered this past Monday that the block heater I paid to have put in my car, wasn’t installed. Thankfully my car started this week, and I had it put in this past Friday. But I am still missing the English manual for the car, and the part for my jack. And I have only gotten the runaround from the salesperson. Supposedly it will all be in the mail tomorrow, since I don’t have time to wait for someone who disappears when you get there.

My kids impressed me last week. They had to deal with an emergency situation, and they took care of it calmly. They made the right phone calls, and knew where to find the information they needed. I am so proud of them. And my oldest turned nine. Oh, how they grow...

Passive and Passionate

Teaching kung fu is important to me, as is training for myself. I have a more passive approach to teaching compared to other instructors at the school, and I do worry somewhat that it affects how I am seen.

I have my way of doing things, and the approach I take is mine. However, I find it very difficult to say what is on my mind, and to stand tall when others who are higher in rank are also around. I am a pretty new blackbelt, and I feel I still have a need to prove myself worthy of it to myself and my peers. Wearing it is a privilege not a right, and I hope I never forget that.

I was asked by Sifu Playter, to review the cane form with the I Ho Chuan class on Friday night. I am pretty passionate about this one, as it has kept me going through my ankle injury for the past year. I was nervous, and I feel it impacted my ability to pass on that passion, and inspire the students. However, since we need to cover it again next class, I have another chance to inspire them, and I know I can do better.

I think my personal training is going well though. I am learning a lot of new things, and I am feeling more confident about it. On December 01, I will be once again tackling a combination of pushups and situps to hit the 150 per day mark. I have been doing them every day, however I have no idea how many I am accumulating. It felt really good last year, when I had the assignment the first time, to see how many I could do, and to watch the numbers climb. It was a really good motivator for me.

I also am working on the demo for the Chinese New Year banquet. I am excited about this, but nervous at the same time. However, I think it is going to be awesome no matter what. The kids are excited, and that really helps me a lot.

Until next week...

Great big sigh (or a cute sock monkey!)

I have been feeling restless lately. This usually happens every few years for me, and ends up involving a move, or a new job or a new car, or something relatively drastic.

I love my VW. It’s a fun and yet very reliable car, and I have had no desire to part with it. I am okay with my job (it isn’t my dream job by any means). It has moments that I would love to leave, but I like the hours and the flexibility it offers, not to mention a half decent paycheck. I looked into moving, but the costs are ridiculous. I discovered that my rent is pretty cheap comparatively, so moving is out of the question for now. (I figure I can maybe rearrange some things in my apartment for a different look or something).

So that got me thinking about learning. I would love to learn something new again. Preferably something artistic - painting, chinese calligraphy, or almost anything at this point. I am interested in yoga, belly dancing, and maybe some other fitness class. And while I am still looking into this for the spring, I ended up with a change I wasn’t really looking for.

I traded in my beloved egg, and got a new car. It’s a city golf just like my last one, but it’s newer, has a sunroof, and is silver. We need a fun new nickname now, as “the egg” just doesn’t work so well anymore. I didn’t plan this at all. I got a letter in the mail from the dealer, and they made me an offer that was worth considering. So I considered, and had a shiny new car as of Friday. Funny how things work out. I ended up with a change, without even looking for it.

Too bad I have to go to work tomorrow...

National Bullying Awareness Week Nov. 15 - 21, 2009

Bullying is an issue, both for children and adults. It is something that Silent River Kung Fu takes seriously, as bullying is absolutely unacceptable. No one should be made to feel small, and worthless, so that another may feel some sense of power. It leaves children (and adults) suffering from humiliation, poor grades and crushed spirits. And it can have a lasting impact on how they see themselves and the world around them.

Our children’s curriculum teaches our students conflict resolution, and ways of setting personal boundaries. It is important that we raise the awareness, and provide the tools to help children (and adults) address the situation in a constructive manner, and stop bullying in it’s tracks. Confidence is a key component of stopping bullying.

Bullying is everyone’s responsibility. It is something that doesn’t just go away, and needs constant attention to protect those affected. As a community, we need to be aware of when it happens. We need to incorporate ways to change the attitudes of the community, so that it is everyone’s business.

We need to remember, that bullying is NOT a normal part of growing up.

Bullying not only affects the the direct individuals, it also affects the children who witness it, and as adults, it is important that we act, and not turn the other cheek.
Bullying changes over time as well. There are many forms of bullying - verbal, physical, and cyber to name a few. There is exclusion - where someone is left out of things on purpose, and gossiping is one form also.

We need to take a stand on bullying. It isn’t right, and there are so many individuals out there that need our community’s support.

On the Alberta Governments website, there are some resources to give some extra information for us as parents, educators, and peers to use to help raise awareness on bullying, and to help combat it.

The bullying hotline phone number is 1-888-456-2323.
Websites to check out are:

www.bullyfreealberta.ca
www.B-free.ca

Mmmm, Soup...

I have down sick this whole last week, and I haven't quite licked it yet. I don't think I have ever been this exhausted before and I think I slept most of this past week. I think I logged more sleep this week, than I have in the past month. Wow.

I regret I missed the Pandamonium - hopefully it was fun, and we raised funds and awareness for some really great causes.

Well, this chick needs some soup (and/ or comfort food) and more sleep.......

Stress

Stress. It affects us in so many ways. It affects us mentally as well as physically. Some stress can be good for us, as it gives us challenges and keeps our brains engaged, but too much and chronic stress can cause us concern.

Positive stress helps us to perform at optimum levels, gives us mental alertness, higher energy, better memory, sharper perceptions, and can also help us to keep our calm under pressure.

Mentally, too much stress can cause us exhaustion, sleeplessness or too much sleeping, changes in appetite, a loss of focus or concentration, irritability or weeping, depression and an inability to cope.

Physically, too much stress can cause numerous aches or pains, including headaches, back pain, abdominal distress, and frequent illness. Stress itself does not cause illness, but it causes our bodies to weaken allowing our most weakest part to become affected.

Some personality traits that can also cause stress. Traits such as shyness and insecurity, inadequacy, and helplessness.

Different people have different coping styles. The first coping style leads to optimal performance. Things such as self care, taking direct action towards the situation, seeking support, adaptability, and time management. The second coping style leads to burnout. Things such as neglect, withdrawal, avoidance, rigidity, and being disorganized. It is important to recognize your coping styles, so that you can manage your stress better.

There are ways to cope with stress, and we need to be aware of them, and practice them if we know we are prone to stress. Things such as relaxation techniques (breathing or visualization), exercise, and humour. Some other things to consider are: Reasoning with yourself, stopping hostile thoughts, distraction, meditation, avoiding overstimulation, asserting yourself, caring for a pet, listening, practicing trusting others, taking on community service, being more tolerant, forgiving, laughing at yourself, developing a sense of spirituality. and pretending that today is your last.

Ten Rules for Good Listening

Thursday October 15th was International Conflict Resolution Day. I had no idea such a day existed, but there was a booth set up at work, with some rules and discussion available for us. We have a conflict management team available, but there are things that we can do to try to manage our conflicts on our own.

I wanted to share the Ten Rules for Good Listening, as I feel they can benefit anyone, and can help us develop better relationships with those around us.

1. STOP TALKING. You cannot listen if you are talking.
2. PUT THE TALKER AT EASE. Be positive, state that you want to have a good conversation, or work things out. Consider choosing a neutral place to talk.
3. SHOW THAT YOU WANT TO LISTEN. Look and act interested. Pay attention to your body language, and try paraphrasing.
4. REMOVE DISTRACTIONS. Leave your phone if it rings. Close the door.
5. EMPATHIZE. Try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes.
6. BE PATIENT. Allow plenty of time. Do not interrupt. Trust that the other person is saying something important to him/ her even if it may not seem like it to you.
7. HOLD YOUR TEMPER. Think about what happens in your body when you are upset. Plan to calm yourself down when you feel these things happening.
8. HOLD BACK ON JUDGING, ARGUING, CRITICIZING. This puts the other person on the defensive. Consider how you can say what you need to in a neutral manner.
9. ASK QUESTIONS. This encourages the other person to talk, and demonstrates that you are listening and trying to understand..
10. STOP TALKING. This is really the key to having an effective conversation. We were give two ears and one mouth for a reason.

Conflict is stressful, so it’s best to try to solve the problem as quickly as possible. Sometimes this is easier said than done. Sometimes it’s easy to take our relationships for granted, and sometimes it seems simpler to avoid a conflict and hope it will go away. But they don’t. They build and then you have a crisis.

I am not good with conflict. Never have been, and to this day, I still tend to try to avoid them. However, I am recognizing that doing this does a lot of damage, and it hurts the people that mean the most to me. I am a work in progress, and as time goes on, I try to work some of the above things into the conflicts that do arise. But as I said, it can be difficult at times.

Precious things

I have no idea where to go with my thoughts today. It has been a mentally exhausting week for me, and my brain is all over. I took up crocheting last week and I am really enjoying how relaxing it is. I am not very good yet mind you, but that’s okay. It’s been a nice way to mentally unwind.

I am a bit disappointed with the snow already. I feel like I missed fall, and I am just not ready for the cold. Thankfully it looks like the temperature will be going up a bit this week. I like winter enough, don’t get me wrong, but it just goes on and on, and it can be difficult to be cheery when the sky is grey all the time. I like having 4 distinct seasons, so I can’t imagine living anywhere else. But it would be really fantastic if winter was only 2 months long. That I could handle. Oh well.

I do love the days, where the cold has made the trees all frosty, and the air is so crisp that it feels unbelievably clean and fresh. I love watching giant snowflakes fall to the ground, on days where there isn’t any wind, and they softly drift to the ground. Where they are so big that you can see their designs on your mittens before they melt away.

Those are things that bring me into the moment. They make me stop, breath and reflect on the now. Having kids helps me with that too though. They find the little things that I would most likely miss because I am always on a mission. It is good to stop now and then, and just be.

Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder

PMS, is something society accepts, although a lot of blame gets placed on it. You know, the “she’s so crabby, it must be pms” lines. Premenstrual Dyshporic Disorder is a severe form of PMS. Approximately 3 - 8% of women have this disorder.

PMDD (for short), has similar symptoms as your typical pms. However, for women with this disorder, they only have about 7 - 10 days without symptoms. Very intense feelings are a key component of PMDD and they interfere with work, relationships, school and day to day activities.

Symptoms include a significant depressive state, feelings of hopelessness, anxiety, problems with concentrating, changes in sleep patterns and eating patterns, feelings of being overwhelmed, sadness and crying, panic attacks and some physical aches and pains.

As with many mental illnesses, there is a stigma attached. It is real, and is not just in our heads. It can be very embarrassing to admit to these mental challenges, so awareness becomes all the more important. A person with a mental illness, or disorder is not the only one who suffers or is affected by it. Everyone around you will notice one way or another.

Imagine, being at work or school, and not being able to control the tears. The smallest thing can set you off, and it might take a half hour to stop crying and calm down. Everything is monumental, and everything is personal. A conflict with a child, loved one or coworker, can send you into a state where you feel hopeless and worthless. Or the other extreme where you snap at them, for no reason, and then feel an incredible guilt for it after. The mood crashes can be devastating, and you might wonder when you will feel normal again, and for how long. The days are counted, both with dread and anticipation - when will I crash, and when will I feel better?

It is Mental Health Awareness Week this week. By talking about them and raising awareness, we can all develop some empathy toward those with a mental illness/disorder.

Skidoosh!

I watched Kung Fu Panda again last night. I really love that movie, as it never fails to both entertain me and inspire me.

I have started physiotherapy for my ankle. However it may help, I find that a lot of the exercises I am supposed to be doing, I actually do in Kung Fu. Tai Chi requires me to use balance and control on both feet/ legs, and in the kids classes, by throwing kicks with my left leg, I can work on some strength and balance in the right ankle.

I am still frustrated with it however, but feel better about accepting where I am at. I have been able to adapt my training, and while I still need reminders to be careful, I am more at peace with the injury. Not completely, but more than I have been. I do long to go harder in class, and push myself, but that will come with time.

It is interesting to see how injuries change your approach. You never realize how much you take your body for granted until it forces you to step back.

I have been reading a little on overuse injuries, and sports injuries. And of course the way to prevent and treat them. Obviously a main treatment is rest. Most of the time, that is easier said than done. You need to have a sensible approach to your training, and you need to be aware of your body and what it is telling you. Stretching mindfully is important, as is training mindfully.

Without that awareness, it is easy to push yourself too far and find yourself dealing with an injury. Not all injuries are preventable (such as getting tangled in a lion cloth during a head stack dismount), but using awareness and mindfulness is vital in recovery. That is something I am still learning. I still want to push my limits, and I have a difficult time babying my injuries.

But it was cool the other night that I was able to throw a few really weak kicks, with about 5% contact to a shield. That rocked, and made me happy. It might not have been smart, but I made sure I used extra care.

Skidoosh!

Sneezy

We are sick. I haven’t had a cold in quite a while, and the last one I had early in the summer was barely noticeable. Now all three of us are under the weather, and it has been challenging for me to keep up with things.

I actually felt pretty good this past couple of days, but today I just feel yucky. No matter, this blog must be done. We were fitted for masks at work a little while ago for the H1N1 virus. But now I am reading that they might not even help. And it seems to me, that all the same precautions as the normal flu season are what they are recommending as well. (Who are "they" anyway?). I have no doubts that this is a serious problem, and I welcome the precautions. I just hope that our healthcare system can handle this pandemic.

At a loss

I have no idea what to blog about today. It is important to me that I do it whether or not I have anything to say. I just went through some of my pictures, and I found one from last weekend, that made me smile.

I took it at my friends house. She got married in her yard last Sunday, and it was beautiful. This flower was not part of the ceremony, it was simply in her garden. The colour and the fullness of it make my whole being smile. It makes me feel warm and fuzzy.

I am fascinated with the life cycle of flowers. How delicately they start out as buds, and then the full bloom (whether explosive like this one or not), and then the slow fade, as the cycle begins again.

It made me think about my cycles in Kung Fu. How my passion and drive seems to sometimes be in hibernation, and then it slowly builds until I am eating, sleeping and breathing Kung Fu. And then it tends to slow down for one reason or another, and the cycle builds again.

But what gets me through the slow parts, is simply going to my classes. I know that if I didn't, it probably wouldn't be too hard to completely fall off the wagon. Kung Fu is a part of my life, and it has always been something to help me through the harder parts.

There IS kindness out there...

My little car got a bit munched today, and that is the reason I am writing. Not about the car, but about the kind people who tried to make me feel a little better.

When the first person saw me, I was still in shock, and very shaken up. I wasn't hurt, but was pretty upset. Anyway, shortly after she first talked to me, she came back to give me a bottle of water and a kit kat. I was really touched by her kindness, and it meant a lot to me. On one hand, I felt a little pathetic for getting upset, but I also felt humbled by her actions. There are a lot of people nowadays that will simply walk on by, and see right through a person. Acts of kindness go a long way.

The guy at AMA was really nice too. He kept reassuring me that things would be okay, and they would take care of things, and that I was in good hands. Both of these people, plus the dude who came to help me, really put a smile into the mishap.

I feel that if there were more people like that in the world, it would be a much better place. I need to smile more, and to reach out to people, as it has a ripple effect.

My youngest made me smile too over this. We call my car the Egg, because it's white and the license plate is EHG. Anyway, I told her about the yellow paint on my car now, and she says, "Now the egg has a yolk!"

So, I guess my point to this ramble is that there is hope for peace, as long as we keep striving to make it better. That starts with ourselves, and performing these acts of kindness. My thanks to the wonderful people who helped me today.

And so it goes...

Tomorrow, we head back to school. It is hard to believe that summer is over already, and a new year is beginning.

I am not sure where the time went. We had our vacation this past week and a half, and maybe that is part of my unrest. I know I desperately needed the break, as I felt like I was burning out. And I am feeling some stress now with going back to work. We are short staffed, and so my work load is double. Whatever.

The kids are excited about going back to school though. And the routine will be welcome. We did keep our Kung Fu routine going throughout the summer, which for us, is a nice consistent thing.

The smaller classes made teaching a little more challenging, but it was great. It definitely kept me on my toes, and keeps me adaptable. I had a class outside at Rotary Park on the 19th of August, and it was just great. We had fun, and it made me realize how I missed our outside classes from last summer. The kids ran laps around the pond and we had a couple three legged races. And then we ended the class with watermelon. Yum.

I have said it many times before, but I really enjoy teaching the kids. I had a near miss yesterday though. I had a very near collision with one of the Lil’ Leopards, which resulted in spraining my big toe on my bad foot. But I still have a great left foot, so really, what more do I need?

This week is our yearly renovations at the school, and I always look forward to beginning anew there. It feels fresh, and I feel it pulls us together as a community. I am looking forward to the new start, both with school and the kwoon.

"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the present."

Do not pursue the past.

Do not lose yourself in the future.

The past no longer is.

The future has not yet come.

Looking deeply at life as it is.

In the very here and now, the practitioner dwells in stability and freedom.

We must be diligent today.

To wait until tomorrow is too late.

Death comes unexpectedly.

How can we bargain with it?

The sage calls a person who knows how to dwell in mindfulness night and day,

'one who knows the better way to live alone.'


Bhaddekaratta Sutta

Family

I took my kids to see the demo we put on at Rotary Park yesterday. It was a really different experience for me to be on the sidelines and watching. I really miss participating, as I have done that for a long time.

It gave me a whole different perspective on things though. I know my appreciation for the hard work, dedication and courage of the students to get out there and perform in front of a large group of people was up front and center. It was also nice to be able to sit with my kids, and enjoy the demo, which was really great. The team did the school proud, and I am especially proud to be a part of it.

I didn’t go to the demo on Canada Day, because mentally I wasn’t up to facing not being involved. However, my perspective was skewed, and at least now I am maybe starting to accept my injury, and work within my limits. I do still have a lot of work there though.

I have a chronic injury from 3 years ago, that I have learned to live with and work around. My ribs kept me from a lot of training, and I still cannot do a black belt pushup without pain. But it is something I have accepted. Why is it so hard for me to do that with my ankle? I desperately want to train hard again, and I have really struggled with the concept of progressing wisely with it. I have made a lot of bad decisions with my ankle, and have only prolonged my recovery.

But watching the demo yesterday gave me some inspiration. I will be able to do that again, but I have to be smart about it. I am going to need reminders from my Kung Fu family however, since I can be really idiotic when it comes to my injuries.

The cane form has actually been really good for me in this regard. It isn’t taxing on my ankle at all, and has allowed me to really focus on an aspect of my training without hampering my recovery. It feels good to have been able to push hard with the cane, and feels even better to know I can perfect it without doing damage to myself.

To all of you who participated in the demo on August 1st. You guys were awesome, and made me proud to share those moments with you. (I am going to live vicariously through you for a while if you don’t mind.)

My Other LIfe

If I had never discovered Kung Fu, my life would have been so different. I have a lifestyle now that I am proud of, and that makes me feel good to share with my children.

My life may have been like this. Evenings of watching tv, and lounging around. Days gone by without any personal goals accomplished, but still dreamed of. My kids wanting all the latest gadgets, and meeting up with friends to play with said gadgets. We would probably make less healthy food choices. I don’t imagine my girls and I would eat fresh spinach (I hated spinach as a kid) and vegetables, or eat foods with whole grains, or fish that wasn’t deep fried.

We might not have the same sense of our environment, and the impact we have on it. Would my girls be less interested in the world around them and would I? I imagine that we would not care so much about our consumption, or how we could help build tomorrow.

I believe our lives would be mediocre, and we would have been unaware of it. That scares me. The thought that I (we) would have had lives where we had just gone through the motions, and not pushed ourselves to be more. How rich would our lives have been?

I have Kung Fu to thank for the life we have. My oldest daughter might still be the extremely shy girl she was, and my youngest daughter might be more of a follower, and not a leader.

How would my parenting be different? Would I have expected less from my kids, and therefore not helped them realize their potential?

I am so thankful that I chose the path I did, and I have no regrets. I feel that we are way more than we could have been, and we still have way more to grow.

A little bit of rain...

I have been struggling all day with what to write. It is important for me to push through anyway, and even if I babble, well, I tried.

I have mentioned in the past how much I dislike conflict, and that I tend to try to avoid it whenever I can. Avoiding it comes with consequences though, and I am trying to face my conflicts as much as I can. I think I have grown a little, and will continue to grow as a person the longer I stand up for myself, my children, and what is right.

I have recently been thrown into a conflict again, which seems to recur a couple of times a year. I am confident that by keeping the real issues in front of me, that it will be solvable. My passion will also help me there, as well as expressing myself as clearly as possible. Empathy is important, as is self respect, focus and discipline. (Discipline being staying on top of it, so that it cannot get out of hand.)

Staying engaged

Lately I have been thinking about what keeps me going in Kung Fu. I have achieved my goal of black belt, and I am aware that some people seem to lose their way after black belt.

One of the sacrifices I made in order to achieve this goal, was to attend the evening adult classes which was hugely beneficial. However, I have now taken that back to spend those nights with my kids, and it is hard to give that up again. Have I fallen off the wagon? I don’t think so.

I have taken in 2 more classes since February, the I Ho Chuan and Tai Chi. It is great to have the focus once more to learn some new things.

But an impact that I didn’t truly realize, is that teaching the kids has really kept me engaged in my training. I get really excited when I see them improve, and their enthusiasm is contagious. I get a challenge from finding new ways to teach that makes learning fun. The rewards and inspiration truly keep me going. I am rewarded with every smile I receive, with every stripe I am honored to give, with every improvement I see. I am inspired when I see the kids “get it”, when they are cheering each other on, and are working as one family.

I question how much I might have let go, since I have been injured since January. I haven’t been able to train very hard for over 6 months now, and at times it is really difficult to stay positive. I definitely see the gift of teaching Kung Fu, and I feel fortunate for that opportunity. It would have been easier to fall off the wagon if I didn’t have that incentive to keep pushing. I think it also helps that I make myself keep going to classes and doing what I can, instead of sitting at home waiting to get better.

I have to admit, that going to the Lion Dance practices has been difficult at times, as I really miss being physically involved in the classes. But again, I am learning a lot from watching the others.

I have been learning patience over the past six months, but not nearly enough not to get stupid and push too hard sometimes. Par for the course right?

I am engaged in my training. By giving to others, I am giving to myself.

Running on reserve

Sleep. A precious gift, and yet it can be something to seek with frustration when it won’t come.

I have an uncanny ability to sleep. I can almost always nap when I need to if the opportunity is there, and for the most part, I don’t have many troubles falling asleep. It also seems, that the more stressed I am, the more my body craves it.

My youngest daughter also has no troubles sleeping. Sleep comes easily and quickly, and she sleeps when she feels tired and does not need coaxing. In fact, she has always needed it. I remember being worried about how she would do in Kindergarten because she was still having afternoon rests. She adapted though, and still does well.

My oldest however, is a completely different story. From the time she was a baby, I struggled to get her to sleep. Her mind is extremely active, and her worries come alive at night. She sleep walks when she is under stress, although not so much now that she is older. The problem now is the night’s that she refuses to settle down. I don’t know if it’s a conscious thing to fight sleep, or if she is so focused on sleeping that she can’t.

A lack of sleep has a profound effect on our attitudes and our ability to cope with everyday situations. It’s hard to focus on the task at hand, difficult to concentrate, and over time, your body’s ability to fight sickness is very compromised. And how hard is it to stay positive in the sleep deprived state? Everything becomes more challenging, and frustration always seems to be just below the surface.

How much more difficult is it tackle a new technique in Kung Fu when you are tired? Or to stay calm enough to break it down? How much harder is it to deal with anxiety when your brain is at it’s maximum because of a sleep deficit?

My daughter struggles with this constantly, and I do my best to help her. I am hoping that along with our regular sleep routine, and maybe some relaxation techniques, I can help her get more and better quality sleep. It will help her in school, Kung Fu, and in every aspect of her life.

I also have to stay cognizant of my sleep deprivation, because when I am deprived, I am not able to stay patient for long to help her. And all the caffeine in the world won’t help. I need to take care of me, so that I can give my girls the best care possible.

They say that kids age 7 to 12 or so, need about 10 to 11 hours of sleep a day. Teens need between 8 to 10 hours a day, as do adults.

The Color Blue

I am blue. With some gold, a touch of orange and a touch of green. A couple weeks ago, I took a Myers Briggs test as a team building workshop at work. It was fun, and interesting. We have a variety of “colors” in our office as well as being diverse generationally.

So being blue, I am extremely introverted, and get my energy from within. I seek solitude to decompress. and try to be a peace maker.

It was interesting to compare to the last time I took this test in 2004, and the results were different. Back then, I was gold, with some blue, and a touch of orange and green. The biggest difference is that now I am more introverted.

This makes sense to me, especially with my training. I enjoy all the aspects of it, but I get the most enjoyment out of doing my forms. It’s just me. That doesn’t make me selfish, nor does it mean I don’t enjoy working with a partner or group. I just get the most out of the alone time. This also explains why I enjoy being at the school a little early on Saturday mornings, so that I can practice a little by myself.

On the other hand, you take an event like the boot camp yesterday. There is a lot of energy, and camaraderie that flows throughout the day, that brings a lot of positive feelings. I didn’t participate fully, but being in that group of great people, made me cherish every moment. When our community comes together like that, it reminds me of the difference we make all the time.

Now while I did feed off the energy of the students yesterday, I was glad to be back in my car, to regroup from the day. I needed that.

This brings me to being in the moment. Something I noticed yesterday, was that when I am teaching the kids, I don’t have much problem staying in the moment. Maybe that’s because they are so busy, I don’t have time to leave the moment. I also feel very energized after the end of the class, but also exhausted. It’s kind of weird. Anyway, they make me happy, and that’s all that matters.

Now my blueness and I need to go relax some more...

Challenge for the Soul

I completed Sifu McKinkey’s challenge for the soul today. It was definitely a serious challenge as it took me out of my comfort zone, which is the point.

Day 1 - Give one authentic compliment to another person for every hour you are awake.
I found this one to be hard, but not as hard as I originally imagined. It forced me to really look at the people that surround me.
Day 2 - Complete one act of kindness, big or small to another person for every waking hour.
This one I didn’t complete. I came close, but it was hard to find something for every hour, that would actually count as something.
Day 3 - Write a heart felt letter to someone you love and give it to them.
I really enjoyed this one, and it reminded me of how much I appreciate this person. This was a great exercise!
Day 4 - Make a list of everything and everyone in your life you are grateful for.
This one puts a lot of things into perspective, and I am going to make an effort to do this one often.
Day 5 - Hug a minimum of 10 different people.
I was way out of my comfort zone for this, but I did it. It was awkward asking for a hug, and I tried to do it in such a way that it wasn’t imposing. Basically I explained why I needed a hug first. Is that cheating?
Day 6 - Recognize every single negative thought and exchange it with a positive thought or action.
I have been working on this one for a while, but it still took some effort. It’s amazing to see how many negatives are actually there without even being aware.
Day 7 - Is a "ME" day...  1. Give yourself a compliment by making a list all the qualities your admire about yourself as well as those that make you unique.  2. Do something special for yourself...guilt free!
Today is my ME day, which also happens to be Father’s Day. It is working out alright so far. It’s funny how sometimes we need to give ourselves permission to do something for ourself, in order to lose the guilt. It’s that way for me at least.

All in all, this was a fantastic challenge and I regret not doing it when Sifu McKinley put it out. Thank you Sifu.

Up

I took my girls to the movie Up yesterday. It was a geared towards grownups a little more than I expected, but the girls did enjoy it. It’s main message that I got out of it, was to live life while you have it. Cherish the now. It is easy to let things get in the way of our dreams, and time will just pass by before you know it. I came away feeling that it is important to live in the moment, and not let opportunities pass you by if you can at all help it.

Life is short, and we never know what it will throw at us. There are opportunities all around us everyday, we just have to recognize them and take the chances. After thinking about this, I am excited about all the learning I have ahead of me. My kids teach me so much everyday, and I know I have missed stuff.

I learn from my classes at Kung Fu, from the kids and adults alike. I just need to keep my eyes open, and stay in the moment. It can be challenging sometimes, when my mind is full, but that is when I need to be aware the most.

I believe I also need to push myself beyond my comfort zone in order to cherish the moment. Sifu McKinley put out a challenge for the soul, and I have to admit that it intimidated me. In fact, I am still working on it, and the 7 days is turning out to be a little longer, but it is important to me to push through and complete it.

Full speed ahead! (Wait, maybe not quite)

I have been focusing on each day as it comes, and have not really been focusing on my requirements. I think I need to revisit them again, and start being more cognizant about what I do each day.

I went to Onoway on Friday night to lend my support to my fellow Lion Dancers. They were amazing to watch, and I had forgotten how much I enjoy watching the dances. The crowd really loved it, and applauded and cheered. It felt good to be a part of that. I has also made me realize how much I have missed Lion Dancing, and hopefully I will continue to heal, so that I may get back into it.

I went through some forms yesterday during open training, and it felt really good. I haven’t done a few in a couple of weeks, and they felt good. I was able to pick up a couple of techniques to work on since I had to go at a slower pace. My ankle is a bit sore today, but whatever. I can’t wait to be fully operational again, so that I can pick up my speed and intensity.

A matter of expression

I rediscovered my passion this past weekend with Master McNeill here. Trying new things, which are similar to techniques I already know was really great. I pushed myself, had a great time, and learned so much.

He has a lot of experience, and I believe I saw how martial arts can truly define a person’s life. It is simply a way of life, and learning is a constant. That part truly excites me - I am truly just beginning.

I learned so much about the cane, and I am starting to understand how a weapon needs to be a part of you. It should feel natural in your hands, and to do that, you need to use it, and experiment with it. Meaning that the more you work with a weapon, the more right it will be.

I am really enjoying the cane right now. I am not sure if it is because I find it similar to using my stick, but it feels good. Better now after the seminars this weekend too. Master NcNeill showed us so many ways to utilize the cane, and I am just excited.

I am really looking forward to a lifetime of learning and growing as a martial artist.

Left unsaid.

Some things are best left unsaid. Journalling is a wonderful thing, as it gives us a method to express ourselves, and it can only be seen by ourselves if we wish. It can be a way of letting things out, without any consequences to anyone. It is a way of sorting out your thoughts, so that you can do something with them. It is a healthy way to deal with stress and a great way to help you stay in the moment.

Something happened tonight...

And I didn't appreciate it until now.

I was at the grocery store with my girls, paying for a couple of things in the self checkout, when a male voice approached and asked if he could sing me a song.

I said "Sure, I would like that." and continued with what I was doing. He was obviously a little more special than your average person, and his song was spoken and rushed. I was touched, but a little distracted, and he rushed off before I could thank him.

It struck me tonight, that I was given a gift, and I didn't stop to take the time to truly appreciate it. I wasn't in the moment, and I have no excuse. How many special things do I miss every day because I am not in the moment? How many things am I taking for granted without realizing it?

I need to make a bigger effort to slow down, and breathe in and out, and cherish the gifts that are offered.

Passion in my reality

I have missed several Lion Dance practices lately. I feel some guilt over this, as I have not lost my passion for it. I have simply let my frustration get in the way. I have been learning to Bhudda, which I also really enjoy however again, I still need to be careful with my ankle. I missed an opportunity to Bhudda at the tournament, and that's okay, as there are more chances to come. But I need to get my mental self together, and work through my injuries.

I enjoy the whole art of the dance, and it has been difficult to be sidelined, but I can learn a lot from watching. I have watched the newest members of the team get better each week, and I am glad to be a part of that. It is inspiring to see how far they have come, and they are the kick in the pants that I need.

I am looking forward to getting the Dragon together and learning it. Hopefully soon...

A Poem for my Mother and Daughters

She kissed my hurts away,
And now I will kiss yours.

She chased away the bad dreams,
And I will chase yours.

She baked in the wee hours of the night,
And I will bake for you.

She nurtured me, and does still,
And I will nurture you.

She taught me patience,
And I will teach you.

She laughed with me and cried with me,
And I will laugh and cry with you.

She cheered for me always,
And I will cheer for you.

She challenged me,
And I will challenge you.

She gave me unconditional love,
And I will give you mine.

She loved me before I was born,
And I have always loved you.

I missed out on something, but gained something else.

I missed the tournament on Saturday due to a family in need. Mine. My daughter needed a few fillings, but freaked out at the dentist so we had a visit with a dental surgeon on Friday. She was really brave, and I am so proud of her too.

I feel like I lost out on the tournament. I really wanted to be there, to be a part of the lion dance, to see the kids I teach perform, and to just absorb our school spirit. I am disappointed, but I did gain something from missing it. Maybe two things actually.

First, I gained some precious time with my youngest daughter. She doesn’t need her mommy too often, and I am pretty busy too, so her needing me was not something to turn away from. I experienced joy with her, one on one, and was there with her as she recuperated. I got to think of the great things about having silver teeth to convince her that her smile was still beautiful. I got to cuddle with her on the couch and watch movies while she got over the anesthesia.

Secondly, I gained appreciation for our school spirit and am proud to be a part of it. I missed the tournament, but the spirit was still there when I went to class today. I am a part of something special - my family, and my Kung Fu family.

So now I know

I went to a specialist again today, and I am now mostly sure of the damage I did to my ankle in January.

He had new x-rays taken last week, so that’s 3 sets now, and the diagnosis is that there were indeed a couple of fractures. He can’t tell the extent of the injuries, but at least I now know. There could be some tendon or ligament damage too, but that won’t show up until I have an MRI in later May. Oh yes, I also have a bone spur, which we will have to watch.

But the healing is slowly coming, and that is a positive thing. I jogged up 6 flights of stairs at work yesterday. And it didn’t hurt!!! Until about an hour later when the throbbing set in. It still hurts a little today, but nowhere near what it was a month ago.

I do realize that I pushed it yesterday. However, if I don’t push myself, then I won’t know what my limits are. And if I don’t know what my limits are, I am not training hard enough. And if that’s the case, then how can I ever truly get better? Both health wise, and with my Kung Fu.

Knowing what my injury was makes me feel better, even though I was pretty sure about it before. I am finding it easier to accept my bad ankle, and am seeing a positive outlook.

I Am Learning

I have been doing a lot of learning lately, and not in a absorbing books sort of way. Since earning my blackbelt, many things have come to light.

I am learning new forms, which is very exciting. I am still working on perfecting the forms I already know, but I have a lifetime to continue to do just that. I have started Tai Chi, and that has been great so far. Except for some joint pain, but I can manage that.

I have learned more about my body, it’s ability to heal, and my mental capacity to adapt. My injuries have forced me to adjust my workouts, my intensity, and how I learn. I have had to learn how to approach my forms differently, as well as my classes differently. I have struggled with staying positive, but have learned that I am surrounded by an amazing Kung Fu family. I have learned that while I cannot contribute the same way as before my latest injury, I am still more than capable of contributing in other ways. I am no less of a person, because of a physical limitation.

I have learned to start looking within myself to find my truth. I am learning to seek my true intentions, and not hide behind what I want to believe. I have learned that honesty really is the best policy, no matter how good your intentions are. I have learned to appreciate what I have, and that what I do have is a blessing. I have learned that it is really easy to take a person for granted without realizing it, and how easily they can be hurt.

I am learning to accept myself and my shortcomings, and to embrace my strengths. I am learning not to judge myself so harshly, and am learning to trust those around me more. I am learning to give more, and take less.

Please don't let go

I had a different blog written and saved, but I am not sure it says what I wanted it to say. One of the top news headlines this last week, has been the disappearance of Tori Stafford in Ontario. She's eight, and missing.

It makes me absolutely shudder to imagine how the parents must feel. I have never been comfortable with my children out of my sight, and I question some parents in my own neighborhood. I see kids under eight running around outside here all the time, without any supervision whatsoever. Yesterday I found myself wondering if I was just being too overprotective, but I know I am not. I am outside with my kids, experiencing things with them. I don't wonder where they are, or if they are hurt because I can see them.

I would love to be inside getting things done instead, but what's the cost? How would I feel if something happened to one of my kids while I was busy doing something else and not aware of what is happening? Kids of eight or younger have no sense of danger yet, so while we tell them over and over again, to avoid strangers, are they going to? Are they going to stop and look for traffic before they run out after their stray ball? Probably not to either. So I would rather be with them, and know they are safe.

I am not blaming Tori's mom or dad, or stepdad. I am sure these things happen in the blink of an eye. She had a five minute walk home from school, what could happen right? Obviously a lot. I need to hug my children now, and as often as they will allow. What if I never got to hold them again?

What if something happened to the most important person in your life? What if you never got to tell them again, how much you love them, or what if you never got to hold them again? I am not just talking about our kids anymore. A life can be torn apart in a moment. We need to spend more time being thankful for the people in our lives, and make sure they know that.

I feel for Tori's parents. I hope they find her, and never let go.

Take a deep breath...

I started Tai Chi yesterday. I have wanted to for a long time, but put it off to concentrate on my black belt grading. On one hand, after yesterday’s class, I regretted not taking it sooner, but it’s too late for that. So I looked at now, and realize that I started at a time that was right for me.

I will have a few issues with my ankle as it is still not healed. But I can modify the techniques a bit, and still reap the benefits. It is calming, and soothing to the soul. That much at least came out of the class yesterday. It felt like a deep breath in, and I needed that.

I have been frustrated with my ankle, and have been going through a rough patch in my personal life, both of which have been hard to stay positive about. However, Kung Fu, and now adding Tai Chi, is exactly what I need to get through anything.

I have had 3 different opinions on my ankle, and am now putting my faith in the Orthopedic Surgeon that I hope to see someday soon. I have an MRI booked in May, and am just waiting for my appointment with the surgeon. It’s been 3 months since my accident. And unfortunately, day to day life doesn’t really help a lot with healing. I do need to use it though, in order to build up some strength.

Anyway, being able to focus solely on my body, and what it is doing, is a perfect way for me to clear my mind, relax and just be. I do have a lot of learning though, and I am truly excited.

So Many Places...

I love reading. I have done it since I was a little girl, and I am so happy that my girls are following suit.

I only have two problems with reading that I am trying to overcome but isn’t easy. The first problem, is that I have a very difficult time buying a book for myself. I should probably have a library card so that this is minimalized, but I haven’t gotten around to it yet. I should, and will. It is funny though, because it is easy to buy books for my kids. I don’t have to justify anything, I just do it. It is money well spent. But to spend it on myself? No way, jose.

The second problem comes from this. Basically, if I have finally bought a book for myself, then I cannot put it down until I am finished. I find it hard to make a meal, or clean, or do any of the other things I absolutely must do. So I try not to read too often anymore, as it tends to cause a few issues.

Of course, there are a couple of exceptions. I am not into books that make me have to stop, re-read a passage, think about and understand it before I move on. For example, I had a hard time reading Zen and Motorcycle Maintenance. I want to read it again, since the ending made me go “huh?”. However, it is going to take me some time to work up to reading it again. That is just not very enjoyable for me. I also have a tendency to want to buy books that will teach me something, but that always backfires too as I am more easily distracted. I have learned from books, don’t get me wrong, but I definitely prefer to escape in them.

I bought myself a book this weekend, that I have wanted for a while. It has been on sale for a while too, but I only just broke down. Silly huh? It has been hard to put down, no surprises there either.

Anyway, my point, if there is actually one, is that I hope that reading is not something that becomes a thing of the past. There is so much to offer in the written word, and so much to benefit from. Back to my book! (And a trip to the library soon!).

18 Temple Motions

My body doesn't move
the way I wish now.
But I can still breathe,
and feel my chi.

I close my eyes,
inhale deeply.
My mind is clear.
I am ready to begin.

I feel my body,
as is sweeps,
Exhaling the negative
energy out.

Slowly, my body glides
into the next technique,
Knowing what to do on its own,
My mind is disengaged.

I breathe in and out
Slowly,
Rhythmically,
Flowing smoothly.

My stress is now gone,
replaced with peace.
I open my eyes.
Breathe out.
I am new.

Odds and Sods,

I have no idea what to write about today, so here is a few tidbits.

1 - It has been a tumultuous week emotionally. I have been dealing with some personal issues, which has me worn out. But it is all working out, thankfully.

2 - I am frustrated with my ankle and the lack of progress. Not to be a complainer though. I had a bone scan and two fractures were discovered. They are not healing because they keep re-breaking. So now I am in a good brace, and am waiting for an MRI and an appointment with an Orthopedic surgeon. Joy. So much for a sprain! And so much for more Kung Fu. Sigh. I guess patience and progressing wisely definitely comes into play.

3 - I am also filled with anticipation. A Sifu issued a challenge to celebrate her birthday. Writing a poem about being in a form. I can’t wait to see where it takes me. I love poetry, and this challenge really speaks to me. I will have my poem posted very very soon.

4 - I have learned a new form all the way through and I really like it. I have lots to fix, and some adapting to do because of my ankle, but that’s okay. I like it.

5 - Sleep. It has a huge impact on our emotions and the way we handle stress. Watch a child who is over tired, and you will see a cranky 6 year old have a terrible two’s tantrum.

6 - I hate chlorine. I took the girls swimming today, and I am now covered in hives. Bleck.

7 - The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

Max

Dear Max,

You have been a great addition to our family. You were so small when you joined us last July. You were only 8 weeks old and you stole our hearts instantly. You had these great big feet, floppy ears, and were so curious.

You joined us at a time when Maya was very afraid of dogs. But it didn’t take very long before both her and Haley were completely in love with you. Although you had these sharp little teeth, you were also cuddly. As you grew, the games you played with the girls grew too.

I have many fond memories of you playing with Haley and Maya. How when they climbed the wood pile, you were always so close as their protector. How you and Maya would either sit side by side on the deck, or cuddle up on the floor. I loved how you would play tug of war with her with whatever big stick you could find.

I have enjoyed watching you play tag with Haley, and play catch with her. You two would always race down the driveway, and when Haley would dive on the ground, you were so gentle as you nosed her to get back up to play some more. It was great the way you tried to help with raking up leaves. Every time one of the girls would lift up the rake to pull off leaves, you were in there helping by grabbing the leaves with your teeth.

I am really going to miss how you greeted me when I got there. You were so determined to climb onto my lap while I was still in the car. You were heavy big guy. A mere 20 pounds less than I. But you were so happy to see me.

I loved watching you play with your pal Oscar. With you being a German Shepherd, and him being a Newfoundland/ St. Bernard cross, he would get so tired playing with you. And it was annoying, but cute how both of you would find a way to get out of the yard to go see each other.

You were such a huge part of our family. This weekend, mom and dad’s house feels so empty without you. I hope you went to a good home, and that you bring them what you brought us. You were truly special, and our hearts were broken when you left. We will always keep you in our hearts Max.

We love you, and miss you very much.

Eep, I feel so exposed...

Living in Spruce Grove has it’s benefits. It also is a smallish place, so running into other students is going to happen. And don’t get me wrong, that isn’t a bad thing. But I am used to being seen as Sifu Wilson (or previously Sihing), not Tania, mom extraordinaire.

Today, while Maya had a playdate, I took Haley swimming at the TLC. I figured it would be good for my ankle, and I could have some one on one time with my oldest daughter. It was fun, except that we hadn’t been in the pool for more than 5 minutes when everyone had to get out, due to contamination. It wasn’t me.

Anyway, I happened to see a parent and his kids from Kung Fu. I nodded in acknowledgement, like I always do, but I felt so exposed. Okay, I was in a bathing suit, and no one I know should ever see me in one. I did happen to run into a Sihing before at the TLC pool, and while it was awkward, it wasn’t like today.

I couldn’t stop agonizing over it. These are people who always see me in a uniform, or in street clothes on the bench. Not mostly bare in a bathing suit. I am a bit worried that their perspective of me may change, but there really isn’t much I can do. I am a mom too.

I am hopeful that they will not think of it again, but I know I will feel somewhat uncomfortable for a little while when I see them.

I don’t mind seeing or being seen by others outside of the Kwoon. And it definitely hit home that what we do outside the school will make a huge impact that we may not even realize. It’s important to continue to conduct myself as I would in the kwoon. I hate to think what a student might think if they saw me scolding my kids in a store. I have to continue to hold myself accountable, and will always strive to make a good impression to those I come in contact with. They could be a student tomorrow.