Respect, Empathy and Compassion

So how does one really teach respect, empathy and compassion. I would assume that these are qualities that one is born with, but unless you learn to develop these qualities, they would never be used at their full potential.

We teach these at Kung Fu, but they also need to be taught at home, and if you are in a religious sect, then there too. And the people we surround ourselves with are the ones that will help us to develop these values.

I would think that leading by example would be enough. Kids tend to tune you out when you talk to much, and that goes for anything. Whether it’s teaching a technique in class, or nagging them to clean their rooms at home, the more you talk the less you are heard. Or at least that is how it is with my kids.

They are fairly empathetic when it comes to my migraines, and they handle me with care, even if I just have a headache (which is nearly everyday). They have compassion as they feel guilt, or pain when someone else suffers. But respect seems to come less easily. Maybe I am biased as I am watching my kids, and trying to teach them respect but I don’t know for sure. They have some respect, don’t get me wrong, but they don’t seem to understand what it means to give space, and respect the need to be quiet when asked. I am mainly referring to an incident the other day, that put me in tears.

I was in the process of getting them ready for bed, when my phone rang. It was an important phone call to me, and I asked the kids to be quiet and get ready for bed. But no, they started arguing, instead of brushing their teeth, and then they kept trying to tell on each other. I can handle their fighting, but why do they need to do this when I am clearly busy? Are they feeling neglected because I am not 100% focused on them? They need to understand that I cannot be at their beck and call constantly. I will always try as they are my kids and I love them more than life itself, but I need a break too. I cannot get 5 minutes of peace and I don’t know how to teach them to respect my need for a short break. I only seem to get that, when I get so angry I have to give myself a time out and lock myself in my room.

I am trying to teach them by example, such as giving them space when they are angry or upset. I try to leave them alone when they ask, and I guess I am not patient enough? They need more time to learn and demonstrate this value? They learn respect at the Kwoon, through bowing in, not fidgeting, not talking out of turn, and working peacefully with their classmates. They also learn this at school, so why does it seem so difficult to do this at home? I can understand their need to share their joy and frustration with me, and hope they always do, but there are days when they can’t stop talking and just can’t handle them. I need to somehow teach them to respect my need for a minute to myself, or 5 minutes to talk on the phone. Do I have to give up my time while they are awake, and then try to take time for myself when they are finally in bed? I obviously need to learn some other parenting skills, because it seems that I am always answering their calls.

I feel so much guilt for not being able to handle them sometimes. Guilt because I must be doing something wrong here. They push and push, and I am just ugly when I snap. Is that fair to them? I try to let them see where their pushing gets me, so when I break down and cry because I can’t handle it they might be able to think about their actions. I try to be consistent with their routines and their punishments, but know that I make mistakes there too.

I have to accept that parenting, and teaching respect, empathy and compassion to my kids is going to be riddled with obstacles. I have to accept that I am not perfect, and never will be. I worry all to much that I am going to be judged by my kids actions, and that people will not understand that I am doing the best I can. The hardest is when they break down and have tantrums at the Kwoon. At home is one thing, but there in public I feel under scrutiny. I feel that not only am I being judged as a parent, but I am being judged as a student and instructor. Yes, I am only a second degree brown belt, but I assist teaching the Lil’ Leopards, and help out in a number of other classes. I have to set the best example possible and I worry that that will be compromised because I can’t always control my kids. I have to accept that they are kids, that they don’t always understand their emotions or can control them. I have to accept that I am their mother, no matter what anyone thinks, and I am doing my best. And I have to accept support from those around me, and that by doing so, I am not a failure. It is okay to accept help, and that will go a long way in teaching respect. As the saying goes, it takes a village to raise a child.