Aimless Thoughts

I am not sure how to approach my thoughts today. They are somewhat scattered and broken. I have so many emotions flowing through me at the same time and I don’t know how to focus them.

I left work early today. I was basically sitting around taking up space so I chose to go home. I think it was the right decision, but I still feel like I should have accomplished something today, besides getting out of bed and getting the girls off to school/ daycare. I did do something for me however, which was taking time for only me.

Now I find myself with my girls who I absolutely adore, and feeling frustrated and depressed. I don’t want to cook supper, but I don’t want to eat out. We have to eat, so I cooked something that I really don’t want, but the kids like a lot. So, would I be doing damage by having what I want while they eat their supper? It should only matter that we eat together as a family right? I try really hard to lead my kids by example. I eat when they eat, I wear a hat and boots in the winter, wear a helmet if required, and try to do what I say I will do. But on days like today, it is taking all that I have.

I do need to mention that most of the time, cooking is a thankless job. It is hit and miss with how much the girls eat, and it largely depends on what mood they are in. It gets so hard. I have a difficult time figuring out what to eat on a regular basis to begin with (don’t take me to a restaurant unless you have time to wait while I decide what to eat like it’s the last meal I will ever have).

I need Kung Fu tonight. I need to be away from my kids which I feel tremendous guilt over. I just don’t want to have to carry a conversation, or be interested in all the hundreds of things that my girls have to say. Well, what Haley has to say anyway. Maya is mostly just grumpy and full of attitude. I wish I could get away with having that attitude sometimes. But I can in a way. And that is to go to class. Any class will do. I can focus on what I do, what my body does without being asked, and my brain can just let go. Kung Fu is definitely good for my soul.

I am so glad that I never quit too. There were a few times when money was tight, and it was a struggle to make it work. But I persevered, thanks to my instructors, and I am so glad I did. This started out as something for me, and has stayed that way. Kung Fu has become my way of life, and when I don’t have motivation, or focus, I can unconsciously regain them at the Kwoon.

The guilt I feel over feeling like this is huge. Stupid I know. However, that is who I am, and my feelings are valid. So there!

On a side note (I did say my thoughts were all over the place), I miss the large fluffy snowflakes that fall during a perfect winter day. Perfect for winter being no wind, balmy temperatures, and giant snowflakes that coat your eyelashes in mere seconds. I am tired of the darkness, and the cold. It feels like I am always cold. Okay, I am complaining a lot here, sorry. I just miss the late spring and summer.

I hope I can refocus for tomorrow. I just don’t want to go to work, and I don’t want to put on my happy face when I am not.

Must go to Kung Fu, must go to Kung Fu, must go to Kung Fu. I am okay.