This, that and everything in between

I am sittting here on the floor, seriously thinking about hibernating for the rest of the week, and contemplating my Kung Fu experiences. In particular the challenges involved in teaching others.

I am on the floor, because my laptop is at Westworld awaiting a miracle. I am not sure what went wrong, and I spent considerable time feeling guilty because I must have done something wrong. Who knows. Anyway, the class with the Lil' Leopards was an eye opener yesterday.

I figure that I am good with kids, and that I have an advantage because I have two of my own. I think I am pretty good at reading them, and knowing when the focus is gone and it's time to move on. I found myself down 2 1/2 instructors yesterday. Thankfully, there were only 8 kids. I say 2 1/2 because 2 called in sick, and the other was tied up with a new student. I did have another black belt, and without him, it could have been a disaster.

I had to dig deep, to keep them going. Tried bean bags, but they got way too engrossed in having a bean bag, so that had to be aborted almost as soon as it begun. Running seems to be a fairly good strategy though. But can get boring right quick too.

While I have two of my own kids, I don't think like a kid much anymore. I take much less time to appreciate the simple things, and live in the moment. The Lil' Leopards have so much to teach me. Patience, humour, fun, and the simple joy of living. Watch them kick a heavy bag, and the joy from it. Watch them crawl through a tunnel and the excitement when the reach the end. They are challenging, yet so satisfying.

The Storm

The dark calls out,
The storm rushes in.
Anger comes in huge waves,
and crashes over the deserted beach.

The wind howls,
The lightning strikes,
Slicing the sky open
letting the thunder roar through.

As quickly as it arose,
The storm vanishes. The wind calms,
The waves begin to roll gently,
and sound like a heart beating.

The sky remains grey,
the clouds listless.
A mist rises from the water,
shrouding the world around.

It is still dark, darker yet it seems.
There isn’t much movement,
Just the oppressive presence
Of a mood descending.

The misted veil is worn,
Disguising the anguish of the storm passed.
Peaceful, but not at peace,
It sits and waits for it all to clear.

On Being an Artist

I was thinking about art, and what defines a person as an artist. I have always loved to paint, and create things, however I lack in the patience. I want it done now, and have a difficult time returning to a project to see it through to the end. I have learned that I do better painting walls, than pictures, and I would rather stamp over scrap booking. I like instant results. However, I have patience in a couple of other artistic things, that I tend to actually take for granted.

I have patience in my writing, but this is probably due more to actually being able to wait, and let my thoughts formulate before I try to put them into words. I also have patience in my Kung Fu. Kung Fu is an art, and somehow without realizing it, I have learned patience there. I do get frustrated with it, don’t get me wrong, but it isn’t too difficult for me to continue to work on something and watch it get better and better. Kung Fu continues to evolve, and I think because of it, I have learned patience.

I hope that my children will also learn patience from it. They are always talking about when they get their next stripe, and have learned that they have to work hard, stay dedicated, and to be patient. This is a virtue that so many don’t have anymore in our world today.

If we were more patient, then we would have more tolerance in my opinion. Look within the Kwoon, and tell me that alongside the patience, there is much tolerance. We all come from different backrounds, have different beliefs and values, but ultimately we work peacefully together. The peace we cultivate within our Kwoon, is carried with us into the world. We apply it in our day to day interactions. We don’t pick fights, we try to understand others, we are patient and tolerant of the differences that make our world.

I had a difficult day yesterday in regards to being an artist. I lost focus on what I am truly good at, and could only see what I am not good at. It is a very dangerous road to go down, because getting lost in that darkness is quite scary and the fight to come back is a challenging one. I have to fight to keep my strengths in front of me. I have to accept who I am, that I can always strive to be more, but in order to do so I have to like what I see now. I forget that writing helps keep me centered, and that there are many people who have a difficult time putting their thoughts into words. I forget that I am pretty good at Kung Fu, and that it comes relatively easily for me. There are many that have to work very hard for where they are.

I also have to take the patience that I have learned from Kung Fu, and apply it to my daily life. I have to be patient with my moods, because ultimately, I know that they will improve. The fight to get out from under this dark veil is a hard one, and I always seem to escape it. I just have to be patient, and somehow learn to accept myself and the artistic abilities that I have. I have to accept that I can’t be really good at everything, and that I am judged by who I am, and not what I material things I create.

Aimless Thoughts

I am not sure how to approach my thoughts today. They are somewhat scattered and broken. I have so many emotions flowing through me at the same time and I don’t know how to focus them.

I left work early today. I was basically sitting around taking up space so I chose to go home. I think it was the right decision, but I still feel like I should have accomplished something today, besides getting out of bed and getting the girls off to school/ daycare. I did do something for me however, which was taking time for only me.

Now I find myself with my girls who I absolutely adore, and feeling frustrated and depressed. I don’t want to cook supper, but I don’t want to eat out. We have to eat, so I cooked something that I really don’t want, but the kids like a lot. So, would I be doing damage by having what I want while they eat their supper? It should only matter that we eat together as a family right? I try really hard to lead my kids by example. I eat when they eat, I wear a hat and boots in the winter, wear a helmet if required, and try to do what I say I will do. But on days like today, it is taking all that I have.

I do need to mention that most of the time, cooking is a thankless job. It is hit and miss with how much the girls eat, and it largely depends on what mood they are in. It gets so hard. I have a difficult time figuring out what to eat on a regular basis to begin with (don’t take me to a restaurant unless you have time to wait while I decide what to eat like it’s the last meal I will ever have).

I need Kung Fu tonight. I need to be away from my kids which I feel tremendous guilt over. I just don’t want to have to carry a conversation, or be interested in all the hundreds of things that my girls have to say. Well, what Haley has to say anyway. Maya is mostly just grumpy and full of attitude. I wish I could get away with having that attitude sometimes. But I can in a way. And that is to go to class. Any class will do. I can focus on what I do, what my body does without being asked, and my brain can just let go. Kung Fu is definitely good for my soul.

I am so glad that I never quit too. There were a few times when money was tight, and it was a struggle to make it work. But I persevered, thanks to my instructors, and I am so glad I did. This started out as something for me, and has stayed that way. Kung Fu has become my way of life, and when I don’t have motivation, or focus, I can unconsciously regain them at the Kwoon.

The guilt I feel over feeling like this is huge. Stupid I know. However, that is who I am, and my feelings are valid. So there!

On a side note (I did say my thoughts were all over the place), I miss the large fluffy snowflakes that fall during a perfect winter day. Perfect for winter being no wind, balmy temperatures, and giant snowflakes that coat your eyelashes in mere seconds. I am tired of the darkness, and the cold. It feels like I am always cold. Okay, I am complaining a lot here, sorry. I just miss the late spring and summer.

I hope I can refocus for tomorrow. I just don’t want to go to work, and I don’t want to put on my happy face when I am not.

Must go to Kung Fu, must go to Kung Fu, must go to Kung Fu. I am okay.

Unmotivated

Unhappy.
Unmotivated.
Overwhelmed.

A simple task,
washing the floor.
Takes an hour
to work up to.

A simple chore,
Cleaning the bathrooms.
Takes a day,
I don’t want to.

A simple idea,
Picking up toys,
I am talking to
two beautiful walls.
(age 7 and 5 1/2)

Don’t want to cook,
But just want to eat.

Want to work out,
But just too tired.

Am I lazy?
Am I a slob?
A terrible mother?
A bad person?

Want a new job,
But too secure.
Working in circles,
No one cares.

Want to make a difference,
But how?
Want to sacrifice?
But what?

I need something.
Ice cream
Time alone
A long walk
A good workout
A long talk
A massage
The ocean
Bubbles
Falling leaves
Big snowflakes.
Quiet river
Warm sand
Fresh cut grass
Warm and bright sunshine.
A soft kiss.

Sleep???

Indifference

What do you see when you look in the mirror? You see the physical being in which you reside, and that is the first thing you see when you meet a person for the first time. You are able to see whatever physical differences there are, as well as any physical challenges they might have. This is much easier for society to accept, as it is something easily verified.

Mental illness is something that is taboo. It is somewhat recognized, but the help is not as readily available as it should be. Because it isn’t something physically tangible, we tend to push it under the rug and pretend it isn’t there.

I feel guilt over an incident over the holidays. I like to believe that I accept mental illness as it is, which is an imbalance within. I have suffered from depression, post partem depression, and severe PMS and many other small issues. However, do to my lack of action, I ended up doing what most of society does. I was indifferent, and turned my back. I was in a fast food restaurant for lunch, and as I was getting ready to leave, I noticed the two gentlemen sitting behind me. They weren’t necessarily homeless and may not have been down and out, but that is not the point. They were literally counting their change, down to pennies, in order to buy lunch. I wasn’t sure how to react to this. I considered going to the counter and leaving money with the cashier to buy these two men lunch, but wasn’t sure how that would be met. And I wasn’t comfortable just giving them money either, and I am sure they wouldn’t have appreciated it. So I left. And it haunts me to this day. I acted with complete indifference and there is nothing I can do about it.

Society treats mental illness with complete indifference, as if it will just go away if we don’t acknowledge it. It is not something that you get if you are not loved enough, it isn’t something you “catch” by using a public washroom. It is as real as it gets. Take your homeless person. We have no idea what drove them there, or what keeps them there. It is easy to believe that it was drugs or alcohol, or just a poor upbringing. But perhaps this person, has a mental illness. Had a job that just barely paid the bills. Their disorder becomes such that they require medication, but cannot afford it. So they lose everything and end up on the streets. It becomes a vicious cycle. They cannot “just get a job” because they need help. They cannot get help because they don’t have the resources to do so. So we shut down places like tent city, and force them to stand in long lines so they can have one bowl of soup that is all they will have in a day. They rely on the things that we take for granted.

And because of the stigma, our own families can easily ignore mental illness, or a disorder until it becomes severe, and even then you cannot depend on the support. I could be a little biased, and perhaps it also has to do with our individual upbringing. Of course our culture has a huge impact, but it needs to begin within the family body.

Let me elaborate. Take a grandma, who was hospitalized several times because of mental breakdowns. The family simply writes it off as she had 8 kids, money was tight, so she had a lot of stress. You can’t tell me it was as simple as that. Or that it wouldn’t have an impact on the generations to come. I have grown up surrounded by the attitude that you are just being silly. I have this thing with my cupboards. I have to have my cups/ plates/ bowls etc. in a certain order, and they need to be used in a certain order. It drives me nuts when that is not followed. I try to let it go, as my youngest daughter is very particular with how things are as well. She went into the cupboard the other day, and arranged the cups according to colour. I do it as well, but I also do it by style. I had to change it when she went to bed, because I couldn’t let it stay that way. I made the mistake of mentioning it to my parents because I felt guilty that I was like that. They told me to let it go, they were kids and it just didn’t really matter. I come over to my parents and rearrange their cupboards all the time, but they just shake their heads and make it clear that they don’t see what the big deal is. It is a big deal to me. I need some things to be just so. So they are indifferent to my needs. Eating and my PMS has always been something of an issue for me as well. But I know that if I mentioned my struggles, they would just pass it off as my being an idiot. Fortunately for me, I have an amazing man in my life who tries to understand so I don’t feel alone.

But if that is within my family where there is a lot of love, what about all the other people out there that become forgotten? Ones who are also surrounded by the indifference that end of committing suicide because their very real issues were never accepted. As a society, we need to acknowledge mental illness as something very real. It has physical aspects too if we simply open our eyes and look. It doesn’t make you a bad person, it is an illness. You wouldn’t get blamed for getting the flu would you? We need to take a stand. We need to make a difference.

In the Kwoon, we accept each other without question. I am sure there are illnesses of all natures, and no one is judged because of them. Silent River Kung Fu is absolutely the safest place to be. I also feel that that is the best place to begin to make a difference. I am sure that if we accept mental illness there, it is only a small step to take that out into the world. So, are we going to choose to be indifferent, or are we going to strive to make a difference? Acceptance is key.

www.amhb.ab.ca

Respect, Empathy and Compassion

So how does one really teach respect, empathy and compassion. I would assume that these are qualities that one is born with, but unless you learn to develop these qualities, they would never be used at their full potential.

We teach these at Kung Fu, but they also need to be taught at home, and if you are in a religious sect, then there too. And the people we surround ourselves with are the ones that will help us to develop these values.

I would think that leading by example would be enough. Kids tend to tune you out when you talk to much, and that goes for anything. Whether it’s teaching a technique in class, or nagging them to clean their rooms at home, the more you talk the less you are heard. Or at least that is how it is with my kids.

They are fairly empathetic when it comes to my migraines, and they handle me with care, even if I just have a headache (which is nearly everyday). They have compassion as they feel guilt, or pain when someone else suffers. But respect seems to come less easily. Maybe I am biased as I am watching my kids, and trying to teach them respect but I don’t know for sure. They have some respect, don’t get me wrong, but they don’t seem to understand what it means to give space, and respect the need to be quiet when asked. I am mainly referring to an incident the other day, that put me in tears.

I was in the process of getting them ready for bed, when my phone rang. It was an important phone call to me, and I asked the kids to be quiet and get ready for bed. But no, they started arguing, instead of brushing their teeth, and then they kept trying to tell on each other. I can handle their fighting, but why do they need to do this when I am clearly busy? Are they feeling neglected because I am not 100% focused on them? They need to understand that I cannot be at their beck and call constantly. I will always try as they are my kids and I love them more than life itself, but I need a break too. I cannot get 5 minutes of peace and I don’t know how to teach them to respect my need for a short break. I only seem to get that, when I get so angry I have to give myself a time out and lock myself in my room.

I am trying to teach them by example, such as giving them space when they are angry or upset. I try to leave them alone when they ask, and I guess I am not patient enough? They need more time to learn and demonstrate this value? They learn respect at the Kwoon, through bowing in, not fidgeting, not talking out of turn, and working peacefully with their classmates. They also learn this at school, so why does it seem so difficult to do this at home? I can understand their need to share their joy and frustration with me, and hope they always do, but there are days when they can’t stop talking and just can’t handle them. I need to somehow teach them to respect my need for a minute to myself, or 5 minutes to talk on the phone. Do I have to give up my time while they are awake, and then try to take time for myself when they are finally in bed? I obviously need to learn some other parenting skills, because it seems that I am always answering their calls.

I feel so much guilt for not being able to handle them sometimes. Guilt because I must be doing something wrong here. They push and push, and I am just ugly when I snap. Is that fair to them? I try to let them see where their pushing gets me, so when I break down and cry because I can’t handle it they might be able to think about their actions. I try to be consistent with their routines and their punishments, but know that I make mistakes there too.

I have to accept that parenting, and teaching respect, empathy and compassion to my kids is going to be riddled with obstacles. I have to accept that I am not perfect, and never will be. I worry all to much that I am going to be judged by my kids actions, and that people will not understand that I am doing the best I can. The hardest is when they break down and have tantrums at the Kwoon. At home is one thing, but there in public I feel under scrutiny. I feel that not only am I being judged as a parent, but I am being judged as a student and instructor. Yes, I am only a second degree brown belt, but I assist teaching the Lil’ Leopards, and help out in a number of other classes. I have to set the best example possible and I worry that that will be compromised because I can’t always control my kids. I have to accept that they are kids, that they don’t always understand their emotions or can control them. I have to accept that I am their mother, no matter what anyone thinks, and I am doing my best. And I have to accept support from those around me, and that by doing so, I am not a failure. It is okay to accept help, and that will go a long way in teaching respect. As the saying goes, it takes a village to raise a child.

Defining Me

I have my own dance,
I have my own rythmn.
I have my own voice.

I have my heart,
I have my soul,
I have my spirit.

Far from perfect,
Far from whole,
Far from complete.

Always searching,
Always striving,
Always overcoming.

A mountain here,
A crater there,
A broken path in between.

Wanting to be free, but
Wanting to be in control.
Wanting to be perfect.

Inner turmoil,
Wanting peace,
Wanting to be consoled.

Reach out,
Grab hold,
Don’t let go.

Acceptance,
Action,
Push through.

Breath in,
Breath out,
Let the peace in.

Kung Fu by any other name?

Tell me what is in a name? Does it define who we are, or is it just a simple tool to give a person some individuality?

Two people called Joe, would most likely have two very different personalities, and are therefore unique. Two Martial Artists beside each other are different because of their approaches to training, whether it’s the same style or not.

I have been debating for some time about changing my name back to my maiden name. And the only dilemma I have, is whether or not to make this change at Kung Fu. The change has been fairly seamless at work, and I am in the process of changing my name back in all of my accounts and correspondence. It will take a little time, but it is what I need to do for me.

After many years of being Wilson, I have chosen to regain my birth name of Vantuil. I am Dutch. I am one of five in Canada. But my name doesn’t define me, or does it? Does it amplify who I am? Does it give me that final touch of individuality? I chose to take back my name because I need the closure. My divorce was finalized this past summer, and with the problems I am having with my ex, I am ready to put it all behind me. My girls will have his name, and that’s okay - they’re his too. But I am me.

I believe in the sanction of marriage, and if married again, I would take my future husband’s name. I would not be losing my identity as it will always be my legal name, but I would become one of two. Not one of one. I don’t know if that makes sense, but I need to be me at this point.

I kept my married name after I left him because I thought it would be easier for the girls. But I don’t think it really makes that big of a difference to them. I will always be their mom, no matter my name. I will always love them, no matter my name. I would die for them, no matter my name.

So I made my decision to take the name Vantuil back, and I am at peace with it. But I am torn with what to do at the Kwoon. Do I stay Sihing Wilson, because that is who I have been there for the last 5 years? Am I ready to constantly remind people of my different name? What kind of confusion will it cause amongst the students, in particular the youngest ones? My Lil Leopards for example? The Tiny Tigers and Black Dragons, who know not only as Ms. Wilson and Ms. Wilson’s mom, but as Sihing Wilson - mom and instructor?

For now, until I have things more settled, and to give myself more time to think on it, I will stay Sihing Wilson...

Until further notice...

Sihing Tania Wilson