So now I know

I went to a specialist again today, and I am now mostly sure of the damage I did to my ankle in January.

He had new x-rays taken last week, so that’s 3 sets now, and the diagnosis is that there were indeed a couple of fractures. He can’t tell the extent of the injuries, but at least I now know. There could be some tendon or ligament damage too, but that won’t show up until I have an MRI in later May. Oh yes, I also have a bone spur, which we will have to watch.

But the healing is slowly coming, and that is a positive thing. I jogged up 6 flights of stairs at work yesterday. And it didn’t hurt!!! Until about an hour later when the throbbing set in. It still hurts a little today, but nowhere near what it was a month ago.

I do realize that I pushed it yesterday. However, if I don’t push myself, then I won’t know what my limits are. And if I don’t know what my limits are, I am not training hard enough. And if that’s the case, then how can I ever truly get better? Both health wise, and with my Kung Fu.

Knowing what my injury was makes me feel better, even though I was pretty sure about it before. I am finding it easier to accept my bad ankle, and am seeing a positive outlook.

I Am Learning

I have been doing a lot of learning lately, and not in a absorbing books sort of way. Since earning my blackbelt, many things have come to light.

I am learning new forms, which is very exciting. I am still working on perfecting the forms I already know, but I have a lifetime to continue to do just that. I have started Tai Chi, and that has been great so far. Except for some joint pain, but I can manage that.

I have learned more about my body, it’s ability to heal, and my mental capacity to adapt. My injuries have forced me to adjust my workouts, my intensity, and how I learn. I have had to learn how to approach my forms differently, as well as my classes differently. I have struggled with staying positive, but have learned that I am surrounded by an amazing Kung Fu family. I have learned that while I cannot contribute the same way as before my latest injury, I am still more than capable of contributing in other ways. I am no less of a person, because of a physical limitation.

I have learned to start looking within myself to find my truth. I am learning to seek my true intentions, and not hide behind what I want to believe. I have learned that honesty really is the best policy, no matter how good your intentions are. I have learned to appreciate what I have, and that what I do have is a blessing. I have learned that it is really easy to take a person for granted without realizing it, and how easily they can be hurt.

I am learning to accept myself and my shortcomings, and to embrace my strengths. I am learning not to judge myself so harshly, and am learning to trust those around me more. I am learning to give more, and take less.

Please don't let go

I had a different blog written and saved, but I am not sure it says what I wanted it to say. One of the top news headlines this last week, has been the disappearance of Tori Stafford in Ontario. She's eight, and missing.

It makes me absolutely shudder to imagine how the parents must feel. I have never been comfortable with my children out of my sight, and I question some parents in my own neighborhood. I see kids under eight running around outside here all the time, without any supervision whatsoever. Yesterday I found myself wondering if I was just being too overprotective, but I know I am not. I am outside with my kids, experiencing things with them. I don't wonder where they are, or if they are hurt because I can see them.

I would love to be inside getting things done instead, but what's the cost? How would I feel if something happened to one of my kids while I was busy doing something else and not aware of what is happening? Kids of eight or younger have no sense of danger yet, so while we tell them over and over again, to avoid strangers, are they going to? Are they going to stop and look for traffic before they run out after their stray ball? Probably not to either. So I would rather be with them, and know they are safe.

I am not blaming Tori's mom or dad, or stepdad. I am sure these things happen in the blink of an eye. She had a five minute walk home from school, what could happen right? Obviously a lot. I need to hug my children now, and as often as they will allow. What if I never got to hold them again?

What if something happened to the most important person in your life? What if you never got to tell them again, how much you love them, or what if you never got to hold them again? I am not just talking about our kids anymore. A life can be torn apart in a moment. We need to spend more time being thankful for the people in our lives, and make sure they know that.

I feel for Tori's parents. I hope they find her, and never let go.

Take a deep breath...

I started Tai Chi yesterday. I have wanted to for a long time, but put it off to concentrate on my black belt grading. On one hand, after yesterday’s class, I regretted not taking it sooner, but it’s too late for that. So I looked at now, and realize that I started at a time that was right for me.

I will have a few issues with my ankle as it is still not healed. But I can modify the techniques a bit, and still reap the benefits. It is calming, and soothing to the soul. That much at least came out of the class yesterday. It felt like a deep breath in, and I needed that.

I have been frustrated with my ankle, and have been going through a rough patch in my personal life, both of which have been hard to stay positive about. However, Kung Fu, and now adding Tai Chi, is exactly what I need to get through anything.

I have had 3 different opinions on my ankle, and am now putting my faith in the Orthopedic Surgeon that I hope to see someday soon. I have an MRI booked in May, and am just waiting for my appointment with the surgeon. It’s been 3 months since my accident. And unfortunately, day to day life doesn’t really help a lot with healing. I do need to use it though, in order to build up some strength.

Anyway, being able to focus solely on my body, and what it is doing, is a perfect way for me to clear my mind, relax and just be. I do have a lot of learning though, and I am truly excited.

So Many Places...

I love reading. I have done it since I was a little girl, and I am so happy that my girls are following suit.

I only have two problems with reading that I am trying to overcome but isn’t easy. The first problem, is that I have a very difficult time buying a book for myself. I should probably have a library card so that this is minimalized, but I haven’t gotten around to it yet. I should, and will. It is funny though, because it is easy to buy books for my kids. I don’t have to justify anything, I just do it. It is money well spent. But to spend it on myself? No way, jose.

The second problem comes from this. Basically, if I have finally bought a book for myself, then I cannot put it down until I am finished. I find it hard to make a meal, or clean, or do any of the other things I absolutely must do. So I try not to read too often anymore, as it tends to cause a few issues.

Of course, there are a couple of exceptions. I am not into books that make me have to stop, re-read a passage, think about and understand it before I move on. For example, I had a hard time reading Zen and Motorcycle Maintenance. I want to read it again, since the ending made me go “huh?”. However, it is going to take me some time to work up to reading it again. That is just not very enjoyable for me. I also have a tendency to want to buy books that will teach me something, but that always backfires too as I am more easily distracted. I have learned from books, don’t get me wrong, but I definitely prefer to escape in them.

I bought myself a book this weekend, that I have wanted for a while. It has been on sale for a while too, but I only just broke down. Silly huh? It has been hard to put down, no surprises there either.

Anyway, my point, if there is actually one, is that I hope that reading is not something that becomes a thing of the past. There is so much to offer in the written word, and so much to benefit from. Back to my book! (And a trip to the library soon!).

18 Temple Motions

My body doesn't move
the way I wish now.
But I can still breathe,
and feel my chi.

I close my eyes,
inhale deeply.
My mind is clear.
I am ready to begin.

I feel my body,
as is sweeps,
Exhaling the negative
energy out.

Slowly, my body glides
into the next technique,
Knowing what to do on its own,
My mind is disengaged.

I breathe in and out
Slowly,
Rhythmically,
Flowing smoothly.

My stress is now gone,
replaced with peace.
I open my eyes.
Breathe out.
I am new.

Odds and Sods,

I have no idea what to write about today, so here is a few tidbits.

1 - It has been a tumultuous week emotionally. I have been dealing with some personal issues, which has me worn out. But it is all working out, thankfully.

2 - I am frustrated with my ankle and the lack of progress. Not to be a complainer though. I had a bone scan and two fractures were discovered. They are not healing because they keep re-breaking. So now I am in a good brace, and am waiting for an MRI and an appointment with an Orthopedic surgeon. Joy. So much for a sprain! And so much for more Kung Fu. Sigh. I guess patience and progressing wisely definitely comes into play.

3 - I am also filled with anticipation. A Sifu issued a challenge to celebrate her birthday. Writing a poem about being in a form. I can’t wait to see where it takes me. I love poetry, and this challenge really speaks to me. I will have my poem posted very very soon.

4 - I have learned a new form all the way through and I really like it. I have lots to fix, and some adapting to do because of my ankle, but that’s okay. I like it.

5 - Sleep. It has a huge impact on our emotions and the way we handle stress. Watch a child who is over tired, and you will see a cranky 6 year old have a terrible two’s tantrum.

6 - I hate chlorine. I took the girls swimming today, and I am now covered in hives. Bleck.

7 - The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.