Superstar

I am sitting outside right now, and enjoying the sunshine (and wind). It seems like a windy year so far. Oh well.

I missed the parade yesterday, but I knew that if I chose to walk it, I would do some damage to my already gibbled body. I heard a lot of students showed up for it, and I am glad. We also cleaned up outside the kwoon yesterday - picked garbage, cut the grass, and hosed down the buildings. It was fun - something my kids were really excited about doing. That always impresses me when they see the impact we make when we pick up garbage. Every spring after the snow melts, and they see all the trash on the ground, they are eager to get out there and clean it up.

Speaking of kids, it is amazing how life with them changes. I remember when they were small, and thinking that I couldn’t wait until they grew up more and were more independent. Then things would be easier. Boy was I wrong. It seems to get harder the older they get. I miss the days when they were smaller, everything was black and white, and the answers were so much simpler. Now there are a lot of shades of grey, I question my decisions a lot more, they question my decisions a lot more, and the answers are not so simple anymore. They are growing up right before my eyes, and it seems that if I blink, I miss something. Don’t me wrong, they bring me joy every day, and I am proud of them and their accomplishments. Maybe I am just getting older.

At what point are they old enough to make their own decisions? When do they truly understand consequences, and that when I push them when they don’t want to be pushed, I am helping them to become accountable adults one day? I worry about resentment towards me for being stubborn about not quitting, and I worry if I am doing the right thing. At what point do I let them make more of their own decisions? I made a decision today that came from my heart, and while I question it, I know it was the right choice.

Something else I have thought about this week is how every family is different, and that I am thankful for the one I have. Every family has it’s own dynamics, and it’s own rituals. We have our way of doing things, and our way of supporting each other. We are as individuals unique, and yet we are almost extensions of each other. I see traits in my children, that I also see in myself, and yet there are traits that are completely their own. We are a sum of our parts, and we are special.