So, I came out of the Tiger Challenge with something I didn’t expect. I expected to learn a lot as I did last year, and I expected to be full of inspiration towards my goals and training. However, I didn’t expect to be humbled the way I was, and almost frozen from fhe prospects of the journey to come.
I realized that while I have learned a lot so far, I have so much farther to go. I thought that I was getting better, and perhaps I am, but I can still improve a lot more.
I have to admit, that the whole experience really affected me, as I just didn’t feel good enough, and that maybe I should seriously re-think grading for black belt this year. I mean, I have so much more to learn, how can I possibly fit a black belt in all of that?
And that brings to question, what is a black belt? It’s the goal I have aspired to for a long time, but it is really scary in that what happens when I achieve that? Obviously more learning, as it never stops, but how do I fit it all in? I have to keep taking that step back, to remind myself that nothing happens overnight, and if it did, who would possibly appreciate it? If I could earn a black belt overnight, then what would be the point? Is it a symbol of the learning and progress that I have made so far? Does it represent the trials and tribulations that got me there?
Master Brinker mentioned the other day the cycles that we go through mentally. I feel at the bottom of that right now. It feels very daunting, to imagine myself passing the grading. Am I at my physical and mental best? I should be in the best shape of my life, but am instead questioning the reasons I go to class.
I worked hard on Kempo, and feel that this performance was my best yet. I felt pretty good about it, and even better that I pushed myself to compete. I haven’t competed in anything since I was a teen because I don’t handle the pressure very well. It happened to be a fellow student that inspired me to compete, and because of her example, I took a step forward.
So what am I trying to say here? I am saying that I stepped out of my comfort zone and did something that scared me. I also came out of the tournament a whole lot more humble than when I went in. I was once again reminded of the journey I am on, and while I question myself constantly, maybe it is a good thing. I hope that questioning my abilities as a martial artist will help to keep me from becoming arrogant, and will keep me on the true path of my journey.
As of today, I am still moving foward, but much more mindfully.
Oh, and Happy Mother’s Day!
3 comments:
Hey,
If we weren't scared, humbled or trying really hard to fit in a million things in order to be better people, would we be a good black belt? I am not so sure. I think you are on the path to greatness. Keep your eyes forward.
Sihing Kichko
I have suffered through post-competition discouragment many times before and know exactly how you feel - In fact I have completely blown it in front of different crowds along the way.
I constantly question why I go to class, why I put myself through so much pain and what I think I am getting out of all of this. It usually comes down to the fact that I enjoy it and I feel better and more grounded because of it.
Master Brinker said one time that what drew him to Kung-Fu wasn't the martial arts as much as the martial artists themselves (hopefully that was about right), this helps you appreciate what all this dedication and sacrifice does for you as a person.
Personally I thought everyone's forms were great and I liked seeing everyone perform. It's amazing to me to see how different a form can look as each individual gives the form its own personality.
Also I was impressed by the number of higher belts that ended up competing - it gets harder to compete at higher levels since you put more pressure on yourself the higher you get.
Sihing Prince
Thanks you two. I really appreciate your support, and it is nice to know that I am not alone. It can get pretty overwhelming sometimes.
Sihing Wilson
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