My Crazy Perspective

So here I am, with about a gazillion thoughts screaming through my head. I am presently worried about a number of things, all of which I have to tackle one step at a time. I tend to worry about the outcomes way before all of the facts are presented, and I always seem to undermine myself and my abilities to cope. I worry about how others see me, and what thoughts go through their heads when I am dealing with a crisis. Whether I am dealing with my kids, or with an issue at work, the worry is always there.

I have a new one. I guess I do have to keep it in perspective but it hit me on Friday. For the past few years, the goal of black belt has seemed quite far off. In a way it still does. I have so much left to learn, and I am filled with doubt as to how I am possibly going to pass. I realized Friday after class, just how close my goal is. I also realized that I will NOT go back, that I have worked hard to get where I am. I have a way of forgetting just how far I have come.

We did sparring drills in class. I have always had issues with sparring and it stems from my very first sparring class as an orange belt. Anyway, I haven't done much sparring over the last couple years, mostly due to a rib injury incurred while sparring. Thankfully this did not have an effect on my training mentally. I don't think. I felt an anxiety attack coming when we were told to gear up. However, SIfu Freitag came in, told me it was just drills, but to wear my chest gear anyway. Ha Ha. For those who haven't had the pleasure of seeing this, I look like a pink power ranger with it all on.

My point is, I got through it. I managed to calm my mind, and kept my focus on the task at hand. I didn't allow the "I can't do this" attitude to come through, and instead told myself, that "I can". And I did. I am not naive enough to think that this is it, that I have gotten through my issues. But I did realize that I have a long ways to go in a short amount of time. And if I keep my journey in front of me, I know this is something I can accomplish. Six months to grading isn't that far away.

I have my pushup assignment to help keep me focused on progress, and it should help me get stronger. Granted, I can only do girly pushups (due to my rib injury) and not many at one time. If I can keep my perspective on my goal from getting too crazy, and if I can keep my focus on the task at hand, attaining my goal is more than just possible. I can do it, and I will.

(On a side note, I received a compliment from a fellow classmate on Friday and it went a long way. It's amazing how a few simple words can make such a huge difference.)

(On yet another side note, I really appreciate the patience and support from the instructors with overcoming my injury - both mental and physical. This is truly an amazing place to train.)