December 30, 2007
This is a letter to myself. I know I suffer from a low self image, and I would like to change that. I like to think that my suffering is limited to my PMS weeks, but am not sure if that is actually the case.
First, I want to look at what is important to me. My time with my boyfriend, my time with Haley and Maya, my time for myself. Doing a good job at work is important too, but it is important when I am there, and does not dominate my time away from there. Included in time for myself, is Kung Fu.
I love my time with my girls, and it is important to me that they grow up with strong sense of self, and that they see themselves as worthy and beautiful. I want them to be comfortable with themselves, and I want them to be strong enough to handle the pressures of being a teenager and the pressures of having to belong. That is something that I did okay with. I dressed the way I wanted, and did what I wanted. I did feel lonely sometimes, and suffered from depression, but I didn’t sacrifice me. I did to some extent I suppose because I wanted a boyfriend, and did nothing but give. However I got past that, and once I grew up (which was after I had kids), I realized that having a man wouldn’t make my happy. I am responsible for that.
So with what I want for my kids, I feel I can help foster with Kung Fu. In Kung Fu, I don’t have to sacrifice myself for anyone. It is my journey, and my journey alone. The people around me in the Kwoon are the ones that influence me, and I choose who to listen to. The black belts are obviously the most positive influences, as they have gone through all of the trials and tribulations that make the journey to black belt. The others are students that have positive thought, positive actions, and those that show compassion and empathy for others. The students that have their own agenda, such as trying to belong, and are only focused on themselves, are the ones to avoid. Not completely, but they are the ones that I would not choose to spend time with. I am there on my journey. Actually, those are the ones that need my influence. They need to see my example, and the example of others like me, to learn that acceptance happenswhen your training is your focus, not trying to be someone you are not. By taking full responsibility for your training, and by being accountable for it, you can be accepted. By taking the lessons learned, and applying them, you are not talking the talk, but are walking the walk. Through this, acceptance will happen without you even being aware of it.
I have thought of the Kwoon and those that make it, as family. I believe that. Families are made up of all sorts of people. But the Kwoon is ultimately my safe place. No one judges me when I fall, and when my emotional state gets the best of me, I am still accepted. The only person that expects me to be perfect all of the time is me. I have to let that go. Every obstacle and mistake are something to learn from. And learning is something that should never stop. I will stop living when I stop learning. I must keep that in front of me. Master Brinker mentioned that Kung Fu is 90% mental, and 10% physical. He couldn’t be more right. I still struggle with the mental, and I might always struggle with that. And that is okay.
However much I struggle with my emtions, and my need to be perfect, Kung Fu helps keep me centered. I marvel at how far I have come over the last 5 years, and so often I forget where I started. When my mind and body are connected, I can do a form without thinking about it. I flow, and even when my body moves into a different form, I still feel good. My body can do amazing things, and my training continues to evolve. After 5 years, my side heel thrust kick finally feels good. I don’t know exactly what I am doing differnent, but it finally feels right. Well, I was just thinking about it, and I think it is how I am chambering it. Maybe.
I feel that by being on this journey, and by having the girls in it as well, that they are getting the best example of self that they could get. They can see what I have accomplished, and they can see it in themselves in their own training. Haley is no longer the same shy girl she used to be, and Maya has learned to focus her leadership. By being in Kung Fu, they can both learn that each is beautiful in their own way, and that with each accomplishment, they become a better person. They might not realize it just yet, as they are only 7 and 5 1/2, but it will come. When they enter their tumultuous teens, they will know they cannot be judged on what they wear, or who they talk to. Their self esteem will be such that it doesn’t matter what others think. Their accomplishments in their training will enable them to think before they react, and to take ownership of their actions. They will know that bullying is not okay, and they will be able to accept people for who they are. I hope they will be able to choose who they hang out with, and that they will strive to make positive choices.
But Kung Fu alone cannot do that. I must stay a positive influence on them. I feel that by taking care of myself, by always doing my best in Kung fu, and the other things in life they will get strength from that. It is a journey I will always be on. I will always try to better myself, and I know that I will get focused on the negatives. But that is the cost of PMS.
I actually suffer from PMDD, a more severe form of PMS. And it impedes my thinking for almost 2 full weeks each month. But with my boyfriend's support, and with having my Kung Fu, I will continue to persevere. Going to the Kwoon, allows me leave all of my unrealistic expectations at the door. Most of the time. During my worst, I feel best teaching the Lil’ Leopards. The joy from them is contagious, and I get a lot from that. I have the head Instructors to thank for that opportunity. It has given me so much, and has allowed me to grow even more. And with having my boyfriend at my side, I can be honest with myself (and him) and can more readily accept my emotions. His support is really what I need most and I get that without any doubts.
I am a good person. My beauty comes from within. I feel beauty when I do a soft form. Because I care about others, and I show compassion and empathy, I am a good person. I make mistakes, but I learn from them. Beauty comes from within. I have control in my life. I control how I react, and how I influence others. I may not be able to control my emotional self, but I can control the physical. I am me.
